Hello all.
My name is Alexx. Or, at least, here it is as such.
I used to roleplay here as what I believe to be an Arrancar(?) velociraptor woman who loved creating her own weapons like a blacksmith, and was also an assasssin for hire.
I was invited here by a forum RP friend, who asked if I would join him in a thread in a chat we had on another website. I was fairly young and obnoxious then, and it's pretty dang cringe on the chat. I don't know why I saved an email of it, but as I'm finally going through my 11K+ emails on that account, I found that I did save a transcript of it, and it brought me here.
I just wanted to say "Hi" again after the crazy amount of time it's been since last I was here. I also wanted to thank everyone here. For whatever support you gave me or for brushing off whatever behavior I had at that time. I've grown into a more stable personality, and I know that my younger self was just really excited to have a friend and several communities that seemed really cool and she wouldn't feel judged by her outbursts.
You see, I had a troubled childhood. I'll spare you the heavy version of details. The short version is that I was mentally and emotionally abused during several developmental ages in my mid-late childhood ages (I want to say around 4-7?) and it forced me to "grow up" rather quickly. Eventually I was no longer in that sort of situation, but instead I had to true home, and was constantly moving around while staying in the same town. I was bullied in school for a medical anomaly, and it continued until people found out I had some cancerous cells in that "baby". I felt like I never had true friends, just people who decided to stick together because we were all cast out of the other social circles. I was strange in the way that I never did attempt, or had the desire to attempt, but I instead had fantasies of romanticizing torture by serial killers, self harm, and even had a ritual of "dancing" to a certain song stabbing myself repeatedly with a fake Halloween kid's sized katana, just to "bleed it out". I thought and felt alone, and the only way I could escape my victimhood was to invent different personas - characters, if you will - to live out different lives and not have to focus on the one I was forced into. I got overly excited, and I was still a tween/teen (I think) at the time I discovered forum roleplaying was a thing. I fell in love. Hard. Not with any person, but with the fantasy. It became such a large part of my life that I would disregard my actual life as just a shell to live in, to move forward in what I'm supposed to be doing because LifeScript says so.
Even today, when I try to keep things short, I still ramble a little bit and go off topic in some form.
I'm trying to say that I really did, and still do, appreciate the things people did for me. The way I acted, roleplayed, was stubborn, ignored basic rules of conversation in chat boxes and chat rooms, not seeing that what I was doing was annoying, uncalled for, and just plain rude. I am so sorry for anything I did in the past that hurt anyone in any form. I am so sorry for being an energetic and uncontrollable spaz. I truly did enjoy everything that I experienced, and when the past me didn't enjoy it, it was because I couldn't understand.
I'm sorry.
And thank you. Truly.
I do not expect to be back on here. I see it's pretty dead as is, and I guess I'm just doing this to try to close chapters in my life and concluded the journey. That, and I want to get rid of this email and clean up my internet presence overall. If we meet again somewhere, someday, then it shall be a day to celebrate, because what are the odds of that happening? Lol. But if we do not, or ever, meet again, then I wish you the best f*ckin' life possible for your situation, and I hope you stay true to yourself and your values no matter who tries to push you into their controlling world. It is your life. You get to choose how to live it.
Alexx, signing off.
I request a deletion of my account please, whenever or if any Admin comes back.
